Spider snacks

Our first night here is a little fitful. 

First of all- The Amazon noises are intense. And they lull you to sleep- but if you wake up in the night they can keep you awake. And then with the power out, if you have to pee – you use your property provided flashlight, and if your me- you search the bathroom like there is a demon in there waiting for your soul. Because sometimes there is. 

Nicole, for example, took a shower before bed last night and saw an interesting leaf on the tiled wall. Interesting turned into suspicious…and as she decided to step towards it it came alive and jumped directly at her- causing her to scream like- well, like a leaf just came to life and jumped directly at her.  It was a frog- and where ever it is now I’m quite sure it has a heart problem and it twitches every time it sees a naked woman. 

Me? Well I ate something in the night. Like Not on purpose…As in I’m very convinced that something crawled in my mouth while I was sleeping. I woke up with the feeling of something in my mouth and for some reason decided to immediately swallow. A coughing fit ensued and I had a taste in my throat that was very bitter and not like anything I’ve tasted before.  After a discussion with Nicole in the morning I’ve decided it was likely her frog trying to find a nice dark place to relax after its eventful evening. I also have a pain in my stomach this morning and I’m pretty sure it’s from whatever got in me trying to get out. 

The morning routine starts with the slather of mosquito repellent.  I say slather because no other word will do justice – I have so much on that my skin just won’t dry out and my clothes are all stuck to me.  Then the wet clothes goes on. Everything is wet. I took out my watercolors for a look last night and they are all soft-I don’t see painting in my future here – nothing would dry enough to work with. 

Nicole and I have given up also- we don’t even try to do hair or makeup. Which makes us look absolutely ridiculous. Gary has taken to calling us Ruth. If you watch OZARK? Ruth? She’s a whole vibe. I think he’s  referring to her hair- but he also makes some snide remarks about her attitude.

Gary knocks at the door to walk with us to breakfest with a tap tap tap and “Amazon!” Really loudly. Cracks himself up every time. 

We had an early call this morning- we are to be finished breakfest and ready to do our excursion with our guide at 6am sharp.  

This morning we are heading to Sandoval Lake, the protected national park near us. We will have a 20 mins boat ride on our river, then a 3km walk into an oxbow lake that houses GIANT RIVER OTTERS!! Now, our guide explains that only 1 out of every 20 groups gets to see them, they are elusive. And only a small family remains on this lake, it’s a large lake-so sightings are not guaranteed. They are endangered- and we have been very much getting our hopes up for a sighting. 

We un boarded at our starting point and began walking. 

As we begin Gary asks me what muscle is in his leg. (Side note- Gary thinks I’m a Doctor. I think it’s because of how much of a  hypochondriac I am …and because I have every medication known to man on my person at all times) I say “your hamstring” and he says, “well. It just exploded.”  Which isn’t a thing. But if it is a thing this sounds like the place something like exploding hamstrings would be a concern. 

The trees are absolutely gigantic – and from our wooden walkways we can see the glorious and fabled canopy that covers the Forrest. We see lizards and capuchin monkeys, squirrel monkeys and giant beautiful moths. 

As we reach the landing with the boats for the river, It’s lush and wet down here under the trees, and we see howler monkeys jumping from tree to tree over head during our walk to the canoes. Well- first we hear them. They are incredibly loud- one single alpha in the group makes the deafening guttural noise that sounds like a plane taking off. It’s very hard to believe it’s coming from a single animal. 

We get beers at a little hut that the local tribe has set up for tourists. It’s cold and very welcomed – the walk was easy but long- and mostly HOT. 

I’m realizing now that the long pants and the long sleeve shirts are understandable instructions due to the bugs- they are insane….but the heat might talk me into taking my chances with the mosquitos. We are drenched by the time we leave breakfest – let alone after walking for miles. 

We board the boats once we’re fully beered and start along the nice narrow stream that leads to the openness of the lake and the hope of the otter sighting.  There are piranhas in these waters, but Eunie says that it’s not like in the movies, they actually won’t bite unless you seem like food. So if you fed them, and then stuck your hand in the water they might bite, but not eat you.  We actually put our hands in the water several times, until he tells us that there are also black cayman and anacondas in here too. That gets us sitting on our hands pretty quickly. 

Euni had a bag of passion fruit for us to have while we float. He says to peel it like an orange and eat the slime covered seeds- umm—-okay? I guess? Doesn’t sound appealing….but we do as told, and before long all I can hear is slurping and crunching- this is DELICIOUS. And somehow cools us off. 

Now for otter hunting.  This lake is pretty big- and I don’t know where we’d even start to look.  We paddle around for quite a while, staying close to the shore. While we wait we see macaas- blue and gold huge birds (we would refer to them as parrots). They can grow to about 1.5 meters long! They also mate for life which is very endearing. 

And butterflies! OMG the butterflies!  They come sit on our bags and hands- BRIGHT orange and huge! I am in love with them and I think I spend a very very long time getting pics of them- they oblige and pose. 

Just as I’m about to get out the giant otter suits and put Chris and Gary to work- Euni says he sees them coming. We scan the lake- and see nothing. He says again- yes they’re coming this way…. But nothing.  This is why we pay him I guess, because within the next 5 minutes we spot them too- little specs on the horizon in the water coming our way. They get closer and closer and we position the boat and move towards them so we can get a good look. It’s a family of 3- and they are not kidding when they called them Giants. No other word would do unless you added a profanity.  They are swimming towards shore – diving under water and then lifting their heads like Olympic swimmers to grab a breath- mouths wide open and gasping. 

We are all very quiet while we follow them around in our boat until they disappear into the jungle and they are gone. 

How fortunate are we to have seen them!! Euni is very impressed and just as excited as us to have caught a glance this morning. 🙂

We float around a while longer- I assume Euni wants to see if the rumors are true and white people will melt if you keep them in the sun long enough. They are- and just as Chris is starting to pass we head in- out of the boats, and back for the walk out. We see more monkeys and this time I’m  pretty sure they are on a tour of their own- they watch us very closely- tilting their heads and I’m sure thinking about how cute we are all soaking wet with sweat- Nicole and I look like we got fresh 80’s perms this morning. We stare back- them pointing at us as we stand and point back. 

Out of the jungle we emerge- with proof that the giant otters do exist, adding another animal to our list of things this world can’t do without- hoping those darlings can thrive and make it in this beautiful but sometimes cruel environment. 

Back on the boats we are home for the first cold showers of the day. Now we do what has become the routine. Sit naked and watch the rainforest unfold in front of us – boy do the monkeys have something to look at now! 

We go to lunch and have more of the Michelin star worthy food from the menu. I’m addicted to the cauliflower ceviche and plan to eat it every day.  We have cold beers, Cusco’s finest- we’ve drank a lot of these so far, and now our server, Abner, knows to have them ready with icy glasses when we arrive. 

After lunch and another change of clothes we meet Euni again for our next excursion. A canopy walk.  We’re told that we will walk a wooden bridge over the jungle- and that’s  pretty much all the preparation we get.  We get back on the boats and high speed travel for about 30 minutes to another sketchy looking set of stairs up the steep banks of the river.  I’m starting to get Lima biking vibes as we walk through the woods for a few minutes and arrive at a 150 ft high tower.  Wow do these Peruvians know how to undersell. 

We climb the tower step by step as it literally sways. I’m not kidding. It’s moving – every time you stop you can feel it.  Reaching the top and taking the selfies and at some point realizing that the canopy walk? It’s attached to the tower and it’s about 6 bridges that we will have to walk, strung from platform to platform precariously positioned at the top of these trees.  Gary is the bravest of the Muppets so we sent him out on the first one, Not because he’s the oldest and closest to death- I swear. 

I’m right behind him and there can only be one person on each swinging bridge at a time, and as I watch him swing and sway- I’m starting to get that sinking feeling in my stomach- the same one I got just before before I climbed in the water to dive with sharks in South Africa.  The one that makes me question my sanity and realize that I need a new bloody hobby- I’m getting too old for this adventure travel crap. 

I step onto the first platform and I’m not sure how to describe the feeling- i’m instantly dizzy feeling like my feet are going to pop out from under me and I will end up swinging upside down above the Amazon jungle, you know, just a normal Tuesday.  Big thick metal roping is what you hold onto at about shoulder height as you make your way across the wooden slats, some of which having 4 to 6 inches between them. I feel like a very unprepared Indiana Jones.  There bette be a Holy Grail at the end of this or some equally valuable artifact- why on earth would anyone do this for pleasure?  Nicole is behind me- my big sister tends to throw her little sister at danger and see how she makes out before deciding to go on herself, so I try to keep my voice from shaking as I yell “NEXT” when I reach the other side. Her punishment for making me go first is that I never tell her how difficult it was.  I see her holding on tight. But she does it.  And all the little sister teasing is gone be the  time she reaches the other side- I just want to hug her and tell her how proud I am of her.  But, We have five more to go. Let’s not celebrate yet.  

Of course my good at everything husband comes across with no issues at all- basically rollerblading. But old man muttering about how this isn’t built a sturdy as it should be. 

We make it across the next five, and by the time I reach the tower to climb down, I am shaking like a newborn guinea pig in Cusco (IYKYK). 

I see that Nicole’s hand is bleeding, and realize it’s from holding on so tight to the ropes. 

Oh, we’re definitely gonna drink about this one.

Back out to the boat and home, when we arrive were told to stay put. We had hoped to get a good evening for this, but we weren’t sure which one.- and it appears today’s the day. We are doing a private muppet evening sunset wine, and Pisco sour cruise on this beautiful river.

Once everyone is off board, the staff starts to come with all the supplies- coolers and tables, food, and buckets of ice.  We get back on board and head towards the setting sun. 

The water has turned a beautiful purple color and the sky is filled with orange and pink.  we speed along towards the city we arrived in- and it’s large suspension bridge, finally slowing and settling directly under the bridge while we listen to the restaurants that line it shore with the laughter and music drifting across the river.  We are handed  ice cold CubaLibres- Picso mixed with ginger ale and lime juice, and we watch the stars start to appear.  As the sun starts to fade, the stars start to come out more and more- and before long, we are sitting under a different kind of canopy- the Milky Way is perfectly visible- I’ve never seen this before except in books.  The southern cross constellation right above us. The lump in my throat is starting to swell. Muppets all clasping our drinks, sitting at the front of the boat. A little giddy from the pisco. Nicole and I with no make up and curly hair- we look like little girls. And I’m 8 again watching the Epcot fireworks with her.  Surrounded by love and adventure. A sense that anything is possible if we’re together- because it is. Here we are. 

We have a bartender and Euni with us- and we insist that they have some of the free booze that is on board. They give each other a look and give in. They can be muppets for the night too! 

They drink at the other end of the boat. We watch Euni open his beer and pour a little over the side – with a look up and a “for you mama”, his mother who I assume has passed.  When Chris is handed his, I see him pour a little out too and get teary eyed. For his dad I assume. He’s be proud of his boy- even if he never did have the words to tell him that.  And Chris comments later that he will make sure he tells his son how proud he is of him when he gets home. 

WOW this place does things to your mindset. Puts everything back in order in your head. A reset. A welcomed reset. 

We can tell that the guys dont want to leave just yet- this is a break for them too, and going back likely means going directly back to work. So we linger until it is very dark and we floated at least half way back to the lodge. 

Once we get back we all hugs the guys. What a gift they’ve given us tonight. We won’t be able to repay them, but we hope the evening off and the beers are a nice memory for them too. 

We head to the lodge for our dinner and yet another epic meal. Pork belly and mashed cassava- beef tenderloin and red onions. Passion fruit pie for dessert. A beautiful bottle of Peruvian red wine. 

We’ve decided that we would like the morning off tomorrow. There’s another hike we could take, but we ask if maybe we could do a shortened version of tomorrows  morning AND afternoon hike in the PM- we ask if that would mean Euni gets the morning off also and he says yes! So it’s decided. 

Muppets will be naked felt on our couches tomorrow 🙂 

Home to the jungle lounge for rum and cokes, and to watch the bats and monkeys swoop in front of our cabanas.   Then off to bed. 

Tonight We have a BFG on the toilet during the night. Big Freaking Grasshopper. i mean BIG. Like, 10th grade math teacher big.  I have to wake Chris up to come take care of it.  Other than that it’s a pretty routine nights sleep. 

Up when we feel like it in the morning means I’m awake at 4:30 and on the couch watching the show outside and Chris sleeps until 8. We go to breakfest and realize that there is fresh juice here – passionfruit, pineapple and watermelon. And I know by the glint IN all the Muppets eyes-they were all thinking the same thing – this will pair nicely with rum 🙂 so we loaded up our canisters with juice instead of water, and head back for a morning off. 

Rum and juice and a front row to the jungle is perfect. We sleep on and off and relax- every now and then we hear the muppet whistle – the universal whistle we’ve used for years. It’s just a check-in.- making sure we haven’t been taken away by monkeys. We whistle back when we hear it, and vice versa. 

Around 1 o’clock we head for lunch – only to be told that we have drank them out of the Cusco beer – so we switch to the Lima beer. Were problem solvers us muppets. …and after lunch before our next excursion we head to the lawn next to the lodge for a washer toss tourney.  Yes. We brought washer toss. Wouldn’t be a muppet vacay with out it. It starts to rain as we begin to play – but you can’t feel the rain under the canopy, so we play and drink our Lima beers and giggle.  

For this afternoons excursion Euni takes us this time to the botanical garden of the property and shows us some of the medicinal plants of the rainforest.  Turmeric and ginger, wild garlic and couscous.  Many plants are used for dyes – and he takes a perfectly good leaf off of a plant and starts to roll it in his fingers. He gets lots of the white and green juice that comes from the leaf on his hands, and then takes his water bottle and adds water, and blows on it. The water mixed with his breath oxidizes the leaf juice and all of a sudden it turns BLOOD red on his fingers like magic. 

He sticks his knife in a tree and the sap that comes out is also blood red- called dragons blood. He applies it to an allergic reaction I have on my hand- and Nicole’s blister from the canopy walk- says it will protect it and form a natural Band-Aid on top- a barrier for infection- and within seconds, it’s done that. 

He shows us the ayahuasca tree- the famous hallucinogenic tea that’s become more and more popular. The natives use it to cure mental diseases. It’s a shaman lead experience and a lot that come to Peru sign up and spend 6 to 8 hours tripping. I think we’ll pass. 

He then shows us the Brazilian nuts that grow on the trees here. Inside huge see pods are more smaller seed pods. And the.n You break those pods to find the nuts. The pods are heavy- probably 5 or 6 lbs. so they have been known to kill grown men when they fall out of the impossibly high treats- gather speed and weapons  themselves as they fall.  He gives us each a few pots and takes us to the apparatus that is used to break them open.- we all eat a few….. and then he tells us to stop. Brazil nuts are a natural laxative.  Another Peruvian undersell.  by the time we are leaving the botanical garden my stomach is starting to make strange noises. I ignore it until finally I look at Nicole and say do you feel OK?

She says “yes fine why?”

No reason. 

“Just this Brazil nut wants out” I think to myself. 

We continue to walk. And I continue to clinch. 

Then Nicole looks at me…..umm……

“You about to Brazil nut?” I ask her. 

Yup. 

So Euni has to stop for a bathroom break for us- we arnt far from the lodge. 

Then we continue on to explore the small lagoon that sits just behind Nicole and Gary’s cabana.  As we get on the boats that are left at the shore Euni tells us that there is an anaconda that lives in this lagoon. He is 6 meters long. And i don’t hear the rest because Nicole sit is basically sitting on my lap trying to climb up my face. She is literally shaking. We travel  around the lagoon, see lots of stinky birds. I’m not being rude that’s actually what they are called. A much prettier turkey, they would be great meat size birds except they are so stinky that you can’t even eat the meat. 

And when they are under stress the bird fart. They are the skunk of the bird family. 

We see bats on the trees at the sides of the water and now Nicole and I are both on Chris’s lap.  

We see a beautiful type of bird with yellow underbelly and a sweet song and ask what he is called -he’s “social bug eater” and I spend the rest of the boat ride making jokes about how he could stop any time he wanted.  He doesn’t need help. “If you’d prefer we can have leaves. No big deal. I don’t NEED bugs. Honestly. I don’t have problem.”  We picture the BA meetings in the basement of the local church. 

We are eventually delivered back to the shore and we have quite a decision to make. 

There is a walk we are supposed to do called “nocturnal insect walk” and I’ve given it a hard no. HARD. NO. I’ve even forbidden Chris from going because I’ll spend and hour convinced he’s dead and being hauled off and cocooned by some gigantic spider. 

But we’ve done some pretty hard things on this trip. And I’ve now decided I’m open to the idea. I trust Euni. He is very competent and extremely calm. Now I have to convince the other two muppets. Chris has always been on board with going- and originally Gary threw his hat in and said he would do it  too so that Chris isn’t alone. But now I’ve decided we should all do it. 

So it’s off to contemplate this over some liquid courage. 

We have a few drinks with our fresh fruit juices- and watch  pocket monkeys (this is what Euni calls the small capuchins) dance from tree to tree, their little lion faces making us giggle. 

We are about two drinks in when Nicole looks at me and says- so you’re doing this? 

Yes. For some reason I am. I feel like I’ll regret not doing it. And I don’t think we’ll be back. 

Big sigh. 

Okay fine. Let’s do it. 

So we get on everything we have that could possibly keep things from getting in us. Tight legging pants. Long sleeve shirts. Socks tucked into pants and enough deet to give us cancer 10 times over. There may have been tampons. But I don’t want to embarrass the boys so we won’t talk about that. 

And off we go with our flashlights to meet Euni. 

He is surprised to see all four of us! We make it very clear that if Nicole sees a snake she’ll die. So I think he makes note and decides to NOT hunt for snakes tonight- because spoiler alert- we don’t see any of those. 

But as we start walking just on the property we are quickly met with him telling us not to touch the tree to our right- and then points out bullet ants. Bullet ant stings can be painful for up to 12 hours and it’s a deep drilling pain you feel in your bones with sweating and goosebumps, not at all like the 10-minute impact of a typical bee sting. So yeah- we’ll be staying away from those… he said after a good rain they often come out. And we had one today. 

Then we start making our way into the jungle. We are pretty much riding him piggy back style- he stops and there is a four muppet pile up. We learn to stay back a little at that point…but not too far…. We can still see each individual hair on his ears. 

He uses a blue light to find scorpions – and we find many on the trunks of trees, far enough away that we don’t freak too much. 

Then he points out a large spider in a web- but it’s not any bigger then the crazy ones we find in our cellar way. We can handle this. Amazon schamazon.  

Then he stops and says “shhhh shhhh shhh….over there…. Tarantula.” 

And Gary loses a few of his 9 lives and maybe a tampon or two…. 

Chris loses some of the skin off his back when I dig into it with my nails. 

And Nicole? Well. Nicole is basically in my shirt. We are sharing the same trachea. 

We look at the beam from his flashlight and see a tarantula about 5 inches across sitting on a leaf about 4 feet from us. 

As I am trying to get Nicole off of me, Chris steps on a branch and he starts to move. And Euni gets excited…..he’s moving back to his den. And we watch him walk in… and see he his legs intertwined with MORE AND MORE LEGS.  

Euni says, “see the big but off to the side in the den? That’s the mama.” He says she has a big but. calls her “J-Lo”. Says she’s HUGE- we’re so lucky.  We all nervously laugh. 

Then the but moves. 

And she comes out to the front of the den. And two babies get out of the way like two scary curtains- each moving a different direction- one to stage right and one to stage left. 

The groans that come out of Nicole and I are guttural. I am shaking so much that Euni takes my phone to video because it won’t focus. When she won’t come any further Euni gets a stick and moves around some leaves, making it seem like there could be food in the area.  Then she JUMPS out. Two or three jumps, with powerful legs that move the foliage on the jungle floor. Shes about 6 inches across. Nicole and I scream and are met with Euni telling us to be quiet.  Then we don’t even breathe. We are rule followers- well- we are rule followers when it comes to spiders not getting in our pants rules. 

We watch her- I can only imagine what we look like from her perspective. Four muppets starting to shed their felt, what isn’t shedding is wet with muppet pee. This spider is GIGANTIC. Here’s my logic. If it looks our way- and sees us- it’s gonna take stock of the situation. See Gary- well. He’s old. probably pretty tough eating. Then it sees Nicole…is it even worth the effort? How much meat can be on those bones. Chris? Well that one looks pale – likely sick. Best to stay away….but that one? The plump one in the background? That one would see us through winter, as it starts getting its web ready. I’m about to be cocooned and hung from something upside down. 

We watch her for a while and then move on- now Euni has a back pack and four muppets to carry through the bush. 

We points out a few more scorpions. 

And then something called a “jumping stick” that looks like a green branch. Its standing very still and Euni quickly figures out why. Behind it is a deadly spider. The most deadly in the Amazon. The bazillion wandering spider. He tells us they are thought to be the most venomous spiders in the Amazon, and on Earth, and an untreated bite can kill a human in as little as 25 minutes. There are eight different species of Brazilian wandering spiders, the largest being about 5 inches across. This one is only about 3 inches across. But the size isn’t what is making me sweat. 

Euni is perfectly calm. He says this is a hunter. And it’s hunting the jumping stick. We are safe. He is getting pretty close to it. We are not. And when we finally walk away from it my knees are weak.  

And that tour is over. 

And we did it. 

I can’t believe we did it. 

We need one last good supper and some beer. I can still feel spiders all over my body.  

Dinner is epic and I can tell we are all proud of ourselves. 

Our server Abner is proud of us too-  and also is beaming when he tells us that his team won the staff soccer game today! So pats on the back all around. 

Back to our rooms for packing. We leave early tomorrow for the next stage of our trip. 

I’ll fondly remember the jungle for the rest of my life.  

When we left South Africa- I left part of myself there. Forever nestled in the reserve.  It took some of my heart and holds on to it for me. 

But leaving here? A piece of the jungle is with ME.  I’m taking some of it- it gave me bravery. And a sense of being part of what this earth is made of.  That’s maybe not  a gift given – maybe it’s earned.  I do feel like I earned it. We all earned it. 

We’ll come out different. Like we do from each of these experiences. 

We’ll emerge from the jungle tomorrow, head high. Hearts full. 

Until tomorrow muppet nation ❤️