IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST DOES JAPAN KNOW ABOUT IT FIRST?

“Ever thought about golfing?” Nicole said, while I guzzled from the bottle of strawberry Boones , my second in an hour, and wiped chocolate chip cookie dough icecream and tears from my  face.  I just had my heart broken. Again. By the same boy. I was 20. And he was going to be my husband- clearly not a dream he shared with me.

“GOLF??? NO……how can you think of golf at a time like this????”.  Sighing and eye rolling the way only a 20 year old could.  HOW could she possibly understand…Her world wasn’t falling apart (or was it……)

“Well no, its just, you know I was just thinking- we need to snap you out of this. And Chris- you know, Keddy? We’ve been trying to have him over some since his wife left him, and I thought it might be nice if we all got together and did something fun? We could invite him to teach us to golf? I’d like a sister day, and him and the other one can come too….” With a slight edge to her voice. I had no idea she was eating icecream and drinking boones in the dark at night too….struggling with the same, only heavier.

“Fine. Whatever.  (20 year old eye roll) He actually asked me to watch his kids Sunday.  I think he’s having a hard time finding someone to do that while he works.  Maybe that would be okay.”

“I’ll call him.”

Our 25^th.

We’ve been married 25 years.

This still freaks me out if I ponder it too hard.  I remember going to 25^th wedding anniversary parties and thinking- good lord. Your lives are over folks. You are old, and there is no way you are still enjoying this.  But its worth a cake I guess.

But then I married Chris. And 25 years?  It isn’t enough by any stretch. And its worth more then a cake.  Its worth an epic trip.  And it was our choice in entirety.  Nicole and Gary thought for sure we’d go nostalgic and it would be Disney where we honeymooned.  Or back to where we fell in love all over again, with each other and a country, Italy.  But we went off script.

JAPAN.

Shocked by the choice, they were equally as excited as we were. And Nicole went to work planning as she always does, the most amazing list of travel  goals a group of muppets could imagine.

So, after I worked a stress filled morning (they always are-insert 47 year old eye roll) we headed to the airport for the long journey to the other side of the planet armed to the teeth with everything Canadian flagged we could find. Pins, hats, “Canada isn’t for sale” t-shirts. (what a strange time to be alive).

After the usual Gary frisking at security (candles. Another eye roll)- we have the obligatory nachos at the airport restaurant and head to the flight.  First stop – Frankfurt.  Its sad when the flight to Europe is the “short flight”.  But, It was a lovely flight actually- direct from Halifax and not much turbulence. And I slept a solid 6! I think we all did.  Well- Chris got the most, as usual falling asleep before take off.

We wasted some time in the airport there- not having to go through customs as usual! Which is nice, because customs in Germany is a whole thing.  They like to dump bags and yell- even if the customs officers there are always absolutely perfect looking, they have an attitude. But we get to head right to our gate- a 20 min walk to the other end of terminal 1, only to immediately have a gate change- and walk all the way back to the gate next to the one we arrive at.  So we earned the duty free extravaganza. It was a whirlwind of purchases and free shots. GOD I love a good international duty free.  The things I can convince myself I need at those things is amazing.  So, Brazilian travel sized BumBum cream, 3 perfumes, chocolate that is made from the scat of Mongolian honey badgers and 2 rums later, we are ready to go back to the gate and wait for the next leg of the journey.  13 hours to Tokyo. But first? We need a Frankfurt in Frankfurt.   Its interesting here…..you get a hot dog, and hanging from the side of the stall are containers of Mustard, Mayo and Ketchup….in….condiment udders?  I’m not sure if this is on purpose or not….but it is definitely giving -teets. So you get your dog, and then squeeze the sauce nipples onto your wiener.   I did giggle like a small child.  No one else did.  So I may be reading the whole thing wrong….but trust me. Definitely teets. Definitely.  I am now a Mustard maiden.  I was super good at it.

We board and find our seats. We are in the back.  Like the very back.  We pass the judgmental jerks in Business class-“accidentally” hit them in the face with our knapsacks as we pass.  Frist class has its own Level on this plane…up a set of sprawling stairs lined with the cushy pelts of the people in economy- holding their noses so they don’t get a whiff of off brand luggage and children.  Then we keep moving towards the back.  We’ve now passed economy where people have their used socks and laundry hanging to dry and gangs have formed, and keep moving a little further to the back.  There we find our seats.  We’re sitting in Cattle Class I believe its called.  I think we’re supposed to MOO for service.  I was told by a friend to give chocolate to the stewardess to maybe get some extra good treatment.  This gets us nothing except one less chocolate bar to eat later. (please excuse my jealous rant.)

But I don’t intent to remember much of this flight anyway double fisting wine and Lorazapam (nooo piper nooooooo).  Its a  LONG flight. And its ROUGH. Like, very very turbulent.  But I’m actually not too bad in the fear arena- I think I may have finally reached the point in my career that death could be the only way I get to call in sick- so I guess this plays out how it plays out. I’m at peace with it.  But by hour 11 my hands start to do that thing where they disjoint and spontaneously swell.  We arrive just before I borrow a hacksaw from one of the economy passengers and cut them off at the wrist. Might be the worst they’ve ever been.

Landing here in Tokyo doesn’t feel like another planet like China did. China plays things close to the vest- a lot of the things I saw there I had no reference for.  Chongqing id never even heard of- but has the population of Canada…  So I was experiencing China like someone going to the  moon.  No idea what to expect or how to process what I was seeing. Japan is different. Its like I’m walking into a national geographic magazine.  I’ve seen it in print, but seeing mount fuji out the plane window as we fly in is very very surreal. And feels like a privilege- even from our cattle class window.

We are Ubered to our hotel in the Yokohoma Bay area of the city and it is stunning- even if I am seeing double at this point- having not slept much of the 13 hour flight. Our large luggage is stored and we off to find a spot for lunch. We ask for a nice ramen place-they tell us there is the best ramen in Tokyo just downstairs-  and we are given directions that a seasoned homing pidgeon wouldn’t have been able to follow-let alone 4 canadians half in the bag, swollen and exhausted.  We gather the boys and tell them we are going to look for the best ramen noodle spot  in Tokyo for lunch.  They are far more excited by this then we expected them to be- their eyes light up in excitement.  So off we go, only to get lost in the first 3 minutes of our walk. We settle for a spot that has an English menu, tempura fried chicken, booth seating and COLD BEER.  It’s the best we can do while we fumble with our carry on luggage and our non working feet. The boys seem to take this very very hard. For some reason- I didn’t even realize they were this attached to ramen. I”ve never heard either of them even ever speak of their want for ramen. Whatever.  The food is great and the beer is even better.  45 mins later we do a convenience store run for coke to go with our duty free rum and get to our rooms- they are clean, lovely and large! Overlooking a nice adventure park with a huge ferris wheel and lagoon-they have balconies and a lot of light. They will do great for the first night!

They are lovely! And after a little nap (3 hours lol) we all meet at the Muppet karooke bar to order room service and pop open that rum.  Room service is the most we have in us this jet legged, and it doesn’t disappoint- even if it is a western menu.  We have the wagu burgers and settle in for the usual stupidity that is all four muppets sleep deprived, on the rum, and reeling from 27 hours of travel. I don’t even know when I am.

And neither does Gary apparently.

The dumb crap starts to happen quicker then usual on this trip…..case and point one:

Gary says- hey guys! Its Yesterday at home right?

Yeah! Weird eh?

He decides to follow this up with no self editing  whatsoever, and jumps right into- “well that means we’ll know the election results before anyone in Canada does!!!! That’s a bonus huh???”

I can’t exaggerate enough the long blinks and eye contact that happen-before Nicole and I start to gasp, snort and cry with laughter.  He catches up before we are able to gather enough air to start berating him.  “I take it back!! I take it back!!” he yells to no avail.  You’ve done said it now discount Nostradamus.

w. o. w.

Then Chris tries to come to his buddies defence and says- its because you bearly fed us today! And you promised us noodles and rum for lunch.  We’re still salty about that.

Wait what?

Yeah! You said we were having the BEST rum and noodles in Tokyo for lunch and then just made us have fried chicken.

We realize then that they heard RUM AND NOODLES instead of Ramen noodles.

I think it might be time to put these muppets to bed before they loose all the stuffing out of their brains. I mean, its VERY entertaining for Nicole and I, but we need to put this night out of its misery.  It feels like its about 4 in the morning.  Its 7:30pm. But we call it.  Besides, Chris hasn’t tried the Japanese toilet’s yet! They are a whole thing, and I am determined to teach him how to use them so he’s all set for the rest of the trip.

So we part- tasking Gary with phoning home to give his cats the winning lottery ticket numbers for tomorrow in Canada so we are rich by the time we get home.  And roaring like school yard bullies.

I immediately get Chris naked and take him to the bathroom before his shower and show him all the buttons.  He’s sitting there as I show him, and then I say- okay. I’m going to press the butt cleaner button….if you havn’t heard of these toilets, you’ve been missing out.  They have a bidet button to clean your tush. Then a girl button. All with perfectly temperate water.  Then a dryer. Then music. Heated seats. Its like a spa, completely unnecessary and ridiculous- and the first thing I’m buying when I get home.  Anyway, back to Chris.  I press the bidet button, and at first he’s like- oh wow! And then his eyes get VERY large and he screams “GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT”. And I’m being pushed out of the stall and he’s laughing uncontrollably .

And I realize that I accidentally gave my husband an enema on our first night in Japan, approximately 26 years after our first date.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Anyway, more from Japan tomorrow.